Scarlett Epstein Hates It Here by Anna Breslaw

Author:Anna Breslaw [Breslaw, Anna]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Penguin Young Readers Group
Published: 2016-04-18T23:00:00+00:00

“—are.”

“Be there in a sec!” I yell. The response is a wordless shriek of fear, like a time-traveling Puritan who just saw her first car.

I click Post, then trudge to the door and open it to find Avery on the stoop, looking petrified, clutching four dresses on hangers underneath clear dry-cleaner cellophane and an industrial-sized makeup bag. She seems taller. It takes a second before I realize it’s because she’s not forced into crone position by a Jansport containing four math textbooks and the entire Western canon.

“I’m freaking out,” she says in the measured tone of someone trying to stop freaking out. She walks past me inside, throws the dresses and makeup on the sofa, then sprawls out on her back on the floor.

“Fuck,” she says. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Okay, calm down.”

“I don’t know how to do this,” she says in a monotone, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I’m overthinking it even though I know that’s just making it worse.”

“Dude, it’s just a dance.”

“I watched some YouTube tutorials on how to do a smoky eye, and now I look like a raccoon.”

“Noooo! You look like Margot Tenenbaum!” I am an unconvincing liar.

She props herself up on her elbows and glares at me. “Don’t undermine my intelligence.”

“Okay, you’re right, sorry. You look like a raccoon. A pretty raccoon.”

Avery gets up and jokingly starts fake-going through the garbage, making raccoon noises, laughing. I double over, cracking up.

“Hang on a second. Dawn has makeup remover somewhere.” I retreat to the bathroom and rummage around in the medicine cabinet until I find it.

Two barely defrosted shots of Dawn’s freezer Svedka and an hour on Pinterest studying tutorials with names like “daytime smoky eye” and “~*~*prom hair~*~*” later, we still haven’t managed to steer Avery’s makeup away from ~*~*dumpster-diving varmint~*~**~.

“I need more of those pads!” she moans despondently, meaning the eye makeup–remover pads of Dawn’s that we’ve been burning through. On my way to the bathroom to grab some more, I glance into my room, where the door is ajar, and see that the group chat is already on fire.

DavidaTheDeadly: so, the OC love triangle emerges . . . still think you could have made gidbot p. interesting from a character angle but whatev

WillianShipper2000: agree!!!!

DavidaTheDeadly: though it is nice to see that a (half-)Ordinaria can think for herself.

xLoupxGaroux: Are you kidding me with this? Two words: Mary. Sue.

DavidaTheDeadly: gahhhhh. give it another installment at least!

xLoupxGaroux: Um, sweetie? 1) Half-breed. 2) High morals/ideals and terribly judgmental of others. 3) Looks fiercer than anybody else in eveningwear without trying. 4) Captivates main male protagonist without doing anything to earn it, really. Either our girl Scarface has been reading too much Ayn Rand (translation: any Ayn Rand) or this is a clear-cut Mary Sue issue.

Scarface: WAY HARSH, TAI. BTW: if you are 14 and read The Fountainhead you don’t even notice the politics, it’s really just a romance novel. Kind of a good one actually.

xLoupxGaroux: I’m gonna pretend you never said that. In fact, can you wipe my brain?

“Scar, where are you?!” Avery yells from the living room.

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